SNOW and BURNS NIGHT

What a relief the snow is gone - actually I didn't mind it - I got all sorts of boring things done - like clearing my desk out - amazing some of the stuff I found - things like letters from bogus competition companies assuring me that I was definitely on their agenda to win £25,000, or a plasma TV, washing machine or holiday in Ibetha - no thanks - anyway it was dated 2007.
I spent quite a lot of the time writing my response to the Toast to the Lassies. David Warden was doing the toast and I was trying to guess what on earth he was likely to say and I kept thinking well it 'll never happen, the snow will prevent the event happening but no the snow went and the 'show' was on!
So here it is! Before I start I must just say that Len Crisp did the Address of the Haggis - a genuine Scot - it was brilliant - didn't understand a word but the aggression dealt the Haggis
with a lethal dagger was awesome. Meal was deliscious, first time I actually enjoyed haggis!
Anyway.........
'Response to the toast to the Lassies by H. Landau!"

"Mr. Captain....Ladies and Gentlemen!

Kind Sir...Thank you so much!
I have to admit I was a little surprised when asked to give the reply to the Toast of the Lassies this evening as I don't have a single drop of Scottish blood in me. It's Irish with a dolup of English and possibly a soupcon of Welsh b ut now a carpuscle of Scots in the whole of my body. However, I did once go out with a Cameronian who was very serious, and played the bag pipes, perhaps that is some sort of qualification. Disappointingly he wore trews instead of a kilt so I never did find out what was underneath....so disappointing. He was quite hansome.
There are indeeed differences between the sexes and their general approahces to life as David said. The goals are definitely not the same. Take multi tasking for instance...usually quite alien to the average male. Ofcourse in a sense one might describe the bagpipes as multi tasking - after all you have to squeeze and blow and finger all at the same time . (titter from audience)
Now Robbie Burns was unusual in being a gifted multi tasker - eleven chilren by 5 women in 13 years...quite a lot of squeezing, blowing and fingering there....(huge gales of laughter) But Burn's wife Jean won the first prize for multi tasking when she attended his funeral and gave birth to his last child on the same day.

Did Robbie Burns ever help Jean with the cooking? I don't think so. But quite a lot of modern men like to cook...oh yes...not just young ones but some older gentlemen fancy themselves as a Raymond Blanc or a Gary Rhodes --oh yes. They like to don the white apron (miming putting on apron etc) cross the ribbons around the back to tie a bow neatly on their tummies. And away they go. Oh yes...and then they use absolutely every single pot and pan you possess, every bowl, every utensil they can lay their hands on...even the dog's bowl. (large laugh)....for a cheese omlette (larger laugh) But what men most like is barbecuing - that's when danger is involved...pass me another chop darling...they cry bravely - eyes protected by goggle while fixed on the flames.

In fact, most men are arsonists at heart - I mean..have we girls ever been tempted to burn rubbish on a bonfire? No! certainly not, you can take it to the municiple tip (laughter from ladies) Not my man - he's there in the late afternoon, the gathering dusk and into the night waiting for the final dying ember (laughter from ladies)

Another thing, you're invited to a 'do' - you go to your wardrobe which is full of cloths but you've got nothing to wear. (laughter from gentlemen) Now how can they accuse us of being extravagant when we need to buy 2 or 3 outfits rather than one (just in case).......I really do not know. After all they go out and spend hundreds of pounds on a new driver.....(extravagant gesture)...they've already got half a dozen in the garage. (huge gales of laughter and applause from ladies!)
Nevertheless some men do buy their wivwes jewely - bless their hearts. As a matter of fact, its been pointed out that a man who has pierced ears is worth knowing, you see not only has he bought jewelry but he's experienced pain. (lots of laughs)
Pain comes to men in various different modes, have you noticed that men always get a worse cold than you? Then there is the pain of a bad round, the pain of paying for an unexpected round...the pain of mistakes. They say a man should forget his mistakes - no point in two people remembering the same thing! (lots of laughter there)
I do have to mention one more subject that we ladies are mystified by. GADGETS! Jean may well have had to deal with Katie, Mary, Nancy, Nell, Polly, Bessie, Peggy and Eliza....but she never had to deal with Satnav Daphne...(hilarious laughter) who regardless of a perfectly good map will lead you into unimaginable diversions off the main routes, intoning 'take the second turning at the roundabout' and the journey which should take one hour can take anything up to six. Then there's those remote controls. (big sigh) (tittiers) One has no idea whether they are going to open the oven, turn off the telly turn on the CD, the central heating or lock you in the house. If only one could just flick a switch which says on or off (laughing all through this - heartfelt from the ladies)
"If only a man could be more like a woman!"
I know...like Robbie Burns, most men do want to please a woman. It's a shame that they don't know what we want a lot of the time...but on the whole we do appreciate them, life would be so boring without them.
A man may drink and no be drunk
A man may fight and no be slain
A man may kiss a bonnie lass
And aye be welcome back again
So ladies please be upstanding and raise your glasses to the laddies!!"

Now I'm going to cook the lunch and am hoping for a glass of red wine from which I was abstenaint last night for the sake of performance!